Re-Arranging Myself
Like almost everyone I know or have ever met, I like my life to be steady and calm. No sudden changes unless I make them. And then nothing huge. Maybe thinking I’ll go to a Baskin Robbins for ice cream and going to a local shop instead. Or when I think I’m going to make Sloppy Joe’s for supper and the meat miraculously turns itself into hamburgers. Sometimes I get even crazier and instead I make myself a big salad.
Those are the kinds of things that are bite sized. Things that I can deal with.
My life over the last two months feels like I’m trying to chase down a herd of gophers. We all know how that sort of thing ends. Not well for the human and with the gophers safely down their holes laughing at the silly two legged guy above ground.
In some ways what I’m going through in my physical and spiritual life is extremely enervating while simultaneously exciting. There are days when the mere thought of having a dread disease wears me to the bone. I have to force myself to get up and do the ordinary things in life. I cannot allow myself to be frozen by fear. Other days I see the prospect before me to do new things, to break open new and unexplored parts of myself where I’ve never before ventured.
Some days life feels like AFLO in action. Another fucking learning opportunity. One that I don’t want and don’t feel like I need. All things considered, I’d rather pass. The chance to pass doesn’t happen. It doesn’t exist because it’s my responsibility to deal with life as it is.
Pretending life is something other than what it is here and now, in this present moment, is a dangerous illusion. The only person I would be fooling would be myself and, let’s face it, games of pretense are best left to people who aren’t dealing with the facts of life.
This isn’t some political game.
It’s not trying to one up another person in business.
This is dealing with the facts of life.
If I’m having a bad day, how am I living my spirituality? Lucky me, I have options. We all do. It can feel as if the easy road to take is to be crabby and picky and annoyed with everybody and everything in life. Cacti are not the only things that are prickly. So are humans with a bad attitude. I become completely overwhelmed on those days that I forget myself or forget to maintain my spiritual condition on a moment to moment basis. Then I suddenly and inexplicably find myself tempted to be completely self-centered. What happens to you doesn’t matter so long as my whims are met.
It doesn’t take a terribly long time for me to start to feel uncomfortable with the guy inside my skin. It’s almost like finding someone spiked your morning coffee with pickle juice. And can’t that just curdle your day?
It’s up to me to decide if I want to be miserable and try to make the rest of the world feel that way, too, or if I’m willing to find the good in life. Regardless of what is going on in my little corner of creation, whether it’s a beautiful day with sun and we’re all on top of the world or it’s the middle of the night and a hurricane is hovering over the house, the choice is mine.
The older I get the more I want happiness and joy. The more I want to be able to share the gift of good, too. It’s increasingly difficult to be around negative, emotionally grasping and greedy people. It’s so much more enjoyable to be with someone who finds the positive things in life than someone who is miserable with themselves and the world.
Especially now that I am dealing with cancer. I’ve lived with this threat before. Each time before now I was blessed with it ending up being a lesser form of the disease that was not life threatening. This time was not so lucky. It has and will continue to alter my life.
That’s fine. It has to be.
If the choice is to be a gloomy Gus and try to torment myself and the rest of the world or to lighten up and live a positive, happy life, I’ll go with the latter.
Every day may not be all sunshine, roses and lollypops and that is just fine. So long as I don’t clog up my God filter with negativity, I’ll make it.
So will we all.
