Well done, Dan. I have learned that the first response when asked about believing in the Bible is to ask which Bible. Various versions run from the 22 books of the Hebrew Bible (the real Bible, as an Orthodox rabbi friend once reminded me) to the 83 or 84 books of the Coptic Bible. Pick one.

I then remind them that if they think themselves Christians yet are not in communion with either Rome or Istanbul, they are heretics. Anything they have to say is invalid and heretical. At that point, watch the steam rise. Particularly as someone whose family is a mix of Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and goodness knows what else, this makes the eyebrows rise. Also, they all know that I am a former monk. Let's not argue theology.

As an unreformed wise guy, when they tell me I am going to hell, I inform them I have been hearing that all my life and here I am. Staring at their face.

Spiritual fascists are so annoying.